"Unwound"

So I was at the dollar store last week, searching for some non-candy goodies for my kids' Valentine's Day party treat bags, when I stumbled upon the book section. They had a surprisingly large inventory, and most of them were hardcover, so of course, I had to stop and browse. I've often wondered what happened (or didn't happen) to a book that was good enough to find a reputable publisher, but that eventually ends up selling for a dollar. What disappointment the author must feel, knowing that their creation literally is not worth the paper it's printed on.

So I bought a hardcover for a buck.

"Unraveled: The True Story of a Woman Who Dared to Become a Different Kind of Mother," by Maria Housden caught my eye. Seriously, who doesn't want to be a "different kind of mother?" I know I'd like to be more patient, more organized, more flexible in my role as a parent. Maybe Maria Housden could give me some pointers.

The book started off well enough. Housden and her husband married right out of college, began having children, she became a stay-at-home mom, doing the typical stay-at-home mom things. Her husband continued in his career path, and Housden found herself feeling envious at times that he got to leave home every morning. She began to feel she didn't measure up with her peers, thought she was losing herself in parenting, and often wondered if there was more to life than what she was experiencing.

At this point in the book, I'm totally understanding Housden. There are days when I watch my husband backing his car out of the driveway, knowing that he'll be having adult conversations all day long, that he might even have a nice lunch "meeting," and that the whole drive to and from work will be filled with quiet(or music of his own choosing), and I am downright jealous. So believe me when I say, I'm right there with Housden.

After several years of mommyhood, a marriage that takes the backseat to children, and a nagging sense of discontent, Maria Housden decides she needs a vacation: 10 days by herself in a retreat center that espouses silence and contemplation, even during communal mealtimes.

Her first few days are spent reading, taking long walks through field and forest, and resting in a rustic log cabin, aptly named "Walden." Her days are long, her needs are simple, and Housden is able to spend time thoroughly processing her fifteen year marriage. And I, the reader, am thinking "that's what I need. . .I need ten days at my very own 'Walden.'"

Then, on day three, a mysterious, handsome stranger shows up at the communal dining table. Their eyes meet and, though no words are spoken, Housden explains

My heart was a mirrored pool as we gazed into each other without words, filled with a sense of joy and delight. And although I had never seen his face or his form before, in that single, timeless moment, I felt as if I knew the heart of this man and recognized both my separateness and my connection to him. He and I were the reason we were here, and whatever needed to happen between us, it was already done (Housden, 56).

Blech, blech, blech.

I'm sure you know how the rest of the story goes. . .Housden and the mystery man, also a writer, fall head over heels in love, the connection something "spiritual," and they justify their infidelity in all the new-age, Oprah-esque, to-each-his-own-truth kind of reasoning they can. I could hardly keep reading.

Housden and her husband had been having problems for years, so the author feels no qualms in leaving him for the other man. . .it's her children that pose "the problem." Falling in love with a writer has aroused the repressed writer in Maria, and she does not see how she can be a full-time mom and a writer at the same time. Yet, in her reasoning, putting writing on hold for the sake of her kids, or just attempting to write around her mothering, would be denying her own self-expression, and doing her children a disservice by not giving them the best Maria Housden possible.

Again, blech, blech, blech.

Although it troubled her deeply, Housden gave full custody of the children to her husband, moved into her own apartment and began a new chapter in her parenting life: The part-time, two weekends a month, mom. Her ex-husband became the full-time parent to their 3, 5 and 9 year old.

Now I know this parenting arrangement is not an unusual one, although it is typically the fathers who have weekend visitation, and for some divorced families it seems to work, but Housden's justification of writing as her primary commitment rankled.

Because for Maria Housden, it was all or nothing--writer or mom, lover or wife--and she chose to be "a different kind of mom." "Unraveled" is written, of course from Maria, the two-weekend-a-month mom's perspective, and she believes that the arrangement has been beneficial to her children. They see the weekends with her as a "vacation" from their day-to-day life, and the children benefit from having a mom that is "more of herself" than she was as a full-time mom.

And the writer boyfriend? Well, he becomes Maria's husband, and they settle in for a lifetime of bliss. Unfortunately, their home together falls short of "Walden," and in the epilogue Maria confesses that they have since moved into separate apartments, but that they still love one another deeply and are very committed to their marriage. It seems full-time marriage may not provide one with the best environment in which to write, either.

Journalist Maria Shriver was interviewed shortly after her husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger, won the gubernatorial election in California. She was asked about the fact that she had stepped away from her career to be the primary caregiver for her children, and now her husband's career was center stage. She said something that I've never forgotten.

Maria's mom, Eunice Shriver, always said that a woman could have it all, just not all at once.

I often remember that comment. When I'm knee deep in laundry, yet longing for the classroom, when I'm cooking yet another chicken dinner, but dreaming of a nice glass of wine and beef bourguignon (enjoyed, of course, in a quaint village in the French countryside), when I'm exchanging adventurous trips abroad for family trips to St. Louis, I remember that I can have it all. . . just not all at once. And I'm reminded to enjoy what I have right now.

I wish Maria Housden had seen that interview.

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**Some of you have asked how I choose my books, and I tell you truthfully, there is no rhyme or reason. Over the course of the year, I intend to read some new fiction, some old classics, some non-fiction, and some young adult literature. If you have suggestions, please feel free to let me know! I have a list right now, but it's a short list, so I'd love to add your suggestions to it.

**I can't wait to pick up Lorrie Moore's most recent novel, "A Gate at the Stairs," tomorrow morning. If you've read it, or want to read it along with me this week, I'd love to compare notes!