Parenting 201

I haven't read that many parenting books in the five years that I have been a parent. For the most part, I felt that common sense, the advice and wisdom of other moms, and the occasional call to my own mom or sister, kept me well-versed in Parenting 101.

You know how it goes with babies. . . feed them, burp them, give them some "play time," feed them again, and put them to sleep. Pretty simple routine, for the most part. Much of what we do in those early days is simply to keep them alive, and we don't spend sleepless nights stressing out about shaping and molding them into wonderful little people.

My girls are 3 1/2 and 5 and are very definitely coming into their own, personality-wise. Maya is funny and feisty and stubborn, while Soli is creative and thoughtful and stubborn, too. Both of the girls have brought unbelievable joy to our family. . .as well as a few "challenges," of course. Still, for the most part, the "challenges" have been nothing that a call to my mom, picking the brain of my sister, or hashing it out with my fellow "Not-So-Desperate Housewives" girlfriends couldn't resolve.

But lately, I've been thinking about the bigger challenges of parenting: How to raise children who will be compassionate and respectful and brave and successful in life. This task goes beyond the realm of behavior modification, and on a sleepless night, it is one that could send my heart into palpitations.

"Am I encouraging their independence enough? Am I sheltering them too much? Am I propagating gender stereotypes with them? Am I being a good example to them? Am I exposing them to enough culturally? Am I living out my faith in front of them?"

The questions come hard and fast on those sleepless nights, yet in the day-to-day routines of meeting the needs of two preschoolers, I have little time to sit around and contemplate my strengths and weaknesses in parenting.

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Enter Dani Johnson. Her newly-released book, "Grooming the Next Generation for Success," suggests that the goal of parenting is not only to raise "good people," but to "groom" them in a way that would make it easier for them to be successful in life. Johnson, the product of a broken home, years of physical and sexual abuse, and drug-addicted parents, found success as a young woman, in spite of her upbringing.

By age 23, she owned 2 companies and was a millionaire. After selling one of the companies, she became a business coach and focused on teaching and empowering others to achieve as she had. Much of what Dani learned in business transferred into the realm of parenting, and she insists that parents expend as much effort in "grooming" their children as they would in building an empire.

According to Dani, 98% of people reach the end of their life without having achieved their original goals. She acknowledges that "success" is different for every person, yet the vast majority of people meander through life without ever finding their niche or their purpose. In any given population, only 2% will do what it takes to succeed in every area of life. Dani asserts that much of this is due to a lack of thoughtful, purposeful, intentional grooming as a child (but not in a "blame your parents for everything that's wrong with you" kind of way).

In "Grooming the Next Generation for Success," she provides 9 strategies that target everything from nutrition to self-image to financial responsibility. While some of these strategies seem very basic (i.e. "nutrition": don't feed your kids fast food), a few gave me reason to pause and consider how I was "grooming" my own girls.

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Strategy #1: Spiritual Equipping

Kids who grow up in church do not equivocate to successful adults. In fact, church-going kids are just as likely to experience failure in school, pregnancy before marriage, and lack of direction after high school as those who have never stepped foot in a church. Dani believes this is because parents have forfeited their role as the spiritual leader in their children's lives, and have left whatever spiritual training the kids receive to the random teachers, mentors, pastors, books, and the media to which they are exposed.

All kids, whether they are being raised in Christian households or not, benefit from knowing that they were created for a reason, that they are not random, and that vision and purpose has been planted in them. In Jeremiah 29:11 we find that God has unique plans for success for each person. Building this understanding into our children not only strengthens them, but guides us as parents as well.

How many times have I heard other parents talking about all of the leagues, classes and extra-curricular activities that their children are involved in and wondered if I was doing enough with my own? Parenting that helps our children grow into the purposes God has for them requires that we KNOW our children and that we encourage them in their areas of giftedness. It also requires that we don't fall prey to the "Superkid Myth": the belief that our children will not have a successful adulthood unless they are a gifted athlete/musician/poet/academic. The 98/2 equation is deeply embedded in my mind now. If I want my children to be in the 2%, I must do things differently than the vast majority of people.

Our oldest daughter, Soli, is five years old, and about a year ago I started hearing conversations about her friends and classmates beginning extracurricular activities. Soli has friends in T-Ball, soccer, karate, and dance (and some who are in all of these!), and I began to feel pressure. Soli hasn't been in any sports.

Should I enroll her in soccer? I mean, she likes playing with her dad and sister in the backyard. . .maybe she'd enjoy being on a team. And if I don't start her now, will she ever be able to make it on a team, or will her peers be so advanced that she'd have no chance?

Truth be told, Soli will probably never be a star athlete, yet I struggled between wanting to give her the opportunity (because what if she overcomes the Wienands gene and is athletic?), and trying to figure out how to fit it all in the schedule and finance it.

After reading Dani's book, I asked Soli what she thought her talents were. Soli thought for a minute and responded: "Well, I like to create things and do crafts." I pushed on. "You like to play soccer in the backyard. Do you think that might be one of your talents?" Again, Soli thought a minute and said "I really like playing with daddy and Maya and Luke." Ah, the reason for enjoying soccer was uncovered--backyard soccer bonded Soli, her siblings and her daddy together.

Finally, I asked Soli "If you could take an art class or join a soccer team, and you could do only one of them, which would you choose?" Without a second's hesitation she piped up "I want to take an art class!" Soli knows the talents that God has given to her, she knows what she enjoys, and here I almost spent a small fortune enrolling her in soccer so that she could be "well-rounded."

If you believe that God has given you your children, you must believe that he has also given you the ability to know your child. It might take some observing, a little hit or miss here and there, but we have the ability to propel our kids into the vision and purposes for which God created them. What an exciting (and yes, intimidating) responsibility as a parent!

Another aspect of "spiritual equipping" that struck home was Johnson's admonition that we need to teach our kids to serve others. The current state of our economy is a testimony to the fact that we live in a society that feels "entitled": we deserve big houses, big cars, and fast food done our way. It's our right, right?!

Serving others runs so contrary to common culture that people take note when you do it well. A teacher who plans lessons and units based on the needs of her students, who works hard to implement a well-thought out lesson plan, who assesses the effectiveness of her own methods of teaching, and one who does all this with joy? Well, that's a GOOD teacher!

Soon word gets around, and she's the most sought after kindergarten teacher in the school. Parents cross their fingers, hoping their child is in her class. Those parents whose children get someone else march into the principal's office, demanding their child be switched (entitlement, remember?).

Those who serve others with a spirit of excellence stand out. They are the 2%.

Jesus Christ, undeniably the most successful leader of all times, spent three years of his life meeting the needs of others before he was crucified. During Jesus' last supper, his disciples begin jockeying for position, attempting to determine who would sit next to him in Heaven. Jesus reprimanded them: "The greatest among you should be like the least and the one who rules like the one who serves" (Luke 22:26).

To illustrate his point, Jesus grabbed a bucket of water, wrapped a towel around his waist, and amidst many protestations, began to clean his disciples' feet. When he was finished, he stated simply: "I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you" (John 13:15).

If we develop that servant spirit in our kids, their lives will impact our world. But it takes effort, and it requires that we be intentional about the messages we send our kids. It could be as simple as saying "You know, mommy really wanted a Starbucks grande soy, extra hot latte today, but then I remembered all of those families in Haiti who don't have enough food to eat or water to drink or houses to live in. I decided not to get that latte and to send that money to those kids in Haiti instead." When children see the adults in their lives sacrificing (I have a hard time calling this a sacrifice, but you understand the intent) something they want in order to help others, they will begin thinking about and doing the same.

Many people choose to protect their children from the harshness of life, but my husband and I have chosen to show them the reality, and to frame that reality in a way that would shape them into compassionate, giving girls. Our daughters have been to the Philippines twice, the last time a year a half ago. Maya was too young to remember much, but Soli will often say "Remember Lola (grandma) doesn't have hot water in her shower?" or "Lola doesn't sleep on a comfy bed like mine," to which I always encourage gratitude: "Aren't you so thankful for hot water and a comfy bed?"

The girls know that they have a lot of things that their cousins in the Philippines do not, and that knowledge makes them eager to share with the less fortunate (although not often so eager to share with one another, but that might be fodder for another blog).

Most Americans don't have the opportunity to take their kids to a 3rd world country to see dire poverty firsthand, but there are a lot of ways to encourage your kids to share what they have with others.

Two years ago, I showed the girls the promotional dvd that Operation Christmas Child puts out to promote their shoebox donations. After seeing how excited the kids in the video were for small things like new toothbrushes, a yo yo, some socks and underwear even, the girls decided they each needed to pack and send a shoebox.

If you are (or have ever been) a mother of preschoolers, you know the "I want! I want! Syndrome" that usually occurs during a Target expedition. This shopping trip was equal in enthusiasm, but with a different slant: "Let's get this! They'd love that! Can we send this?" There's not much more joy to be found than in seeing your children excited about helping other kids. Even in this shopping trip, in filling two small shoe boxes for children who have far less than my own, my girls were learning to serve and love others through action.

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Though "Strategy #1: Spiritual Equipping" gave me the most to consider, each of Dani Johnson's strategies challenged my thinking and caused me to assess how I was parenting. Throughout the book, Johnson insists that all kids are being groomed for something.

Most kids are being groomed to fit in, to stick with the crowd, to live like everyone else. By way of t.v., the majority of our kids are being groomed into spenders, not savers, and victims rather than survivors. They are being grooomed to believe that they are entitled to certain things, whether or not they work for them.

But a few are being groomed into respectful, innovative, generous, compassionate people who will see God do far greater than they could ever imagine in their lives.

The 2%. . .that's what my girls are being groomed for.


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"Grooming the Next Generation for Success" can be purchased at Amazon.com and in most Barnes and Noble bookstores.

***In the spirit of full disclosure, I skimmed through Johnson's book over the holidays, then went back and read it thoroughly this week, both because I want to be more intentional about how I parent in 2010 and because I had two sick kids and a sick husband at home last week and didn't have the time to sit down and read something completely new.

****Please feel free to comment, disagree, bring up concerns, etc. I love dialogue!